Flashback to 2018 when I was still in the classroom…
As we each found our spot on the rug… one person deep, so that NO One was out of the circle of belonging, everyone knew this was a safe place to be their true self.
Some weeks, it was simply a light exchange of “What did you do this past weekend?”
could be safely set aside till later
But other Wednesdays, issues that had been tucked in the worry box were allowed to be brought up.
I’d like to take you for a ‘virtual view’ of what happened time and again.
Me: Sammy*, you asked if you could bring up a concern?
Sammy: Yes, I am upset, because Jesse* called me a ___.
Me: Jesse, would you like to respond to that?
Jesse: I did call you a ___, but that’s because you lied about me to the bus driver and you called my sister a ___.
Me: Sammy, would you like to respond to that?
Sammy: I didn’t lie and your sister is a .___!
Me: Sammy, what is rule #2?
Sammy: I don’t have to agree with you, but I have to respect your beliefs and feelings?
Me: Thank you, Sammy, can you talk to Jesse again, and remember rule #2?
Sammy: I told the bus driver you pushed me because you did. I’m sorry for calling your sister a ___. She is always teasing me.
Me: Jesse, would you like to respond?
Jesse: When did I push you?
Sammy: Last week.
Me: Sammy, do you remember what we do when someone does something to us that could hurt us?
Sammy: I need to let an adult know right away, so something can be taken care of as soon as possible.
Me: Class, Sammy and Jesse seem to be having a problem that is not a one-time thing. Can anyone offer Sammy and Jesse some suggestions to help them get past their conflict? Sammy and Jesse, I am going to ask you to just listen to your friends. Go ahead, class…
Classmates then share ideas that have worked for them, advice they have received in the past, strategies their parents or other adults have offered them…
After up to 8-10 minutes of ideas shared, Jesse and Sammy are asked if ANY of the suggestions they heard seem workable to them. Each child responds. Further exchange happens as needed.
Then both students are asked if they want to say anything to each other.
More often than not, someone offers (unsolicited) an apology to their classmate.
The two (or more) involved are also asked if they want to say anything to their friends who offered ideas… which often results in humble thanks.
Finally, because intentions are useless if there is no accountability, each child is asked to choose one practice/strategy for which they will report back on the following week. When they do, we celebrate the progress; (or if none has yet happened, we re-strategize,) until a working plan is developed that everyone can live with.
Never in a class meeting, is blame or name-calling a part of the process.
Sometimes it took more that the 45 designated minutes to work through a tricky, reoccurring conflict.
Never is a child allowed to feel ganged up on… even if they ‘were guilty’ of the offense they were being charged with.
Always, they were offered a listening ear and productive options to consider.
Often, they brought with them terms, conditions and pain offered by the outside world. But always, they were guided to remember that in our safe space, they were encouraged to be honest, and to having a listening ear and forgiving heart. In all my 36 years of teaching, I cannot recall more than one or two children who resisted this process. Rather, they embraced the freedom to be their true self while respecting the true self of the persons around them…
I cannot wait to see how these children will lead our future.
I dearly hope they will remember these lessons more than the ones we are currently bombarding them with.
I offered them hope. I have to believe they now are ours.
*names changed